i wasn't living my life

i'm not sure when it exactly happened,
 but around sixteen i came to the realization that i was not living my life.
I wasn't doing the things i wanted to do.

one of my best friends moved an hour away and when my three other friends would go visit her for a night at her condo, i had to stay home and baby sit.
i fixed dinner or told my mom what fast food to pick up on the way home.
i changed diapers, cleaned poop off the carpet, gave my brothers baths, did my chores, and buried our family dog in the back yard on a sunny afternoon wile wearing a spongebob squarepants shirt wondering why my mom would not leave work immediately
upon hearing about my beloved sugar's passing.

i did not have much time for homework or extra curricular activities.
luckily i had a few close friends who were nice enough to give up their saturday nights to hang around with me at my home with my two little brothers.

all of this is to say i wasn't living my life.
i was a mom.
but not really.
i was going through the motions just trying to survive.

after i got married i thought i would finely be free to live my life the way i wanted.
it wasn't that easy.

when i look back at that first year of marriage, it is so bittersweet.

here i finally was doing something i wanted to do.
something i chose to do,
but i was unhappy.

my dad decided he wanted a divorce a month into my marriage.
my little brothers were 5 and 7.
i was so worried about them and not worried enough about my brother who was 16 at the time.
i would have panic attacks daily and cry on bryan's shoulder almost every night.
i felt like it wasn't fair. i wanted to free myself from all past bonds and run away with my husband.
i was so emotionally involved that i wasn't living my life with purpose or for myself.
nope i was just treading.

lots of prayer and a year and a new apartment later i finally figured out something...

i was too busy.

and not with things i would necessarily choose for myself.

you have a choice in life, in everything.
i felt so much that i needed to please everybody else that i ended up not pleasing or knowing myself.

(man, i am lucky my hubby stuck with me through all of this.)

i needed balance.

i found balance in prayer, in scripture, in the mountains, in the arms of my husband, snuggled up to our australian shepherd, in flowers, in work i enjoyed and of course in my brothers.

i started to live with purpose.