when it comes to the issue of sleep

baby boy auggie, 

you know how much i love you and how much i hate when you are sad.

this is why your sleep journey has been so rough 

and unlike anything i have experienced as mama thus far.

 

 from the time you were born you spent a lot of time crying like this.

you wanted so desperately to sleep, but you couldn't.

we would stay up literally all night together every couple of days during those first weeks together.

darling it was so difficult.

it was terrible to see you so miserable and trying on me and my sleep deprived raising two other beings by myself during the week body.

this is one of my favorite pictures of you.

three weeks old and asleep on my belly. at this point i had talked with a lactation specialist and cut out dairy in my diet and it drastically helped with your tummy problems. which in turn i thought would help you sleep better. i had you in my room in your rock and play. you usually would sleep about three to four hour stretches. one day i put you in it for a nap. when i came back to check on you, you were trying to climb out. thus the end of sleeping in the rock and play. 

the next step was to co sleep with you as you already were for the second half of the night and i co slept with your older sister and brother.

the best thing i did for auggie was to get him a lovee.
he stopped taking a binkie around three months and was never attached to a blankie.
when we first started sleep training i gave him his little stuffed frankenstein that he had since he was two months old and he would sleep with him and it was adorable.
one day a couple of weeks later at the zoo, i spotted this adorable sloth.
when i presented to auggie he immediately grabbed him and feel in love.
auggie and i named him julius the sloth and they snuggle every night.
it is the sweetest sight and brings him such comfort.

auggie is such a better sleeper now.
even though this was not the plan, it is what is working for us right now.
when he wakes up usually around five we snuggle in my bed for an hour and so and its glorious.

love you boo.

Back to School 2016

 I cannot believe I have a Kindergartner!!!

G could not have been more ready.

She was so excited and it was so much fun taking her back to school shopping.

This girl loves shopping and loves clothes.

When she saw this skirt she had to have it. It was decided then and there that she had to wear it on the first day of school. She looks beautiful and I couldn't be happier for her.

 Her teacher is Mrs. Harding and it just so happened that her best girly Maggie is in the same class.

 

 Here they all are gathered outside there classroom, waving us off and excited and maybe a wee bit nervous to start their school year.

 

 This guy started preschool at the Hungry Caterpillar.

He has watched his sister go to preschool for the past couple of years and was so excited that his time had finally come. 

I thought he would be at least a little nervous, but this awesome dude was all cool, calm and collected.

Here he is with his class on the first day.

Notice how he is the only one smiling while the others look more apprehensive.

Yeah you got this dude.

look who is one

Auggie's cake smash

this was the first time we had a cake smash in a studio like this.

 g and e both had their own cakes to dig into and i photographed them.

it was darling, but i'm so happy i left his up to the professionals.

 the photographer got awesome shots.

this was his first time tasting and feeling cake.

 he LOVED it,

 this shot makes me laugh.

 here he is taking a time out from eating to play with his cake.

 then he is back at it.

 he was so fun to watch destroy, devour and play with his cake.

when we picked him up to clean him off he protested with his very loud screams and kept trying to lick the cake off his hands before we wiped it away.

the aftermath.

we are so glad we did a one year cake smash. 

priceless pictures of the love bandit.

e's paw patrol party

 this year was e's first friend birthday party.

he wanted to have a paw patrol birthday party.

 i made little puppy dog ears for the littles and when they arrived we had them pick out there dog ears and then i drew little puppy dog faces on them.

e invited Leilla, Jax, mason, Dylan, maggie and grace of course.

they decorated their own dog bones, we had a pizza party and paw patrol cupcakes.

they played and watched paw patrol and jumped on the tramp.

i think it was a success.

my bestie and mine's first boys.

and how could i not include this adorable picture of the love bandit singing and playing the piano?!

he is beyond the cutest boo.

mommy loves you emmet and i hope you had the funnest and best first friend birthday party ever sweet boy that i love.

Mother's Day

 mother's day this year was spent at home in my pajamas sick with mastitis.

 it might sound terrible, but it wasn't.

yes it was painful and it was the second time i've had mastitis since having auggie, but it was spent with these three kiddos and honestly they are the best part of me anyways so i'm not going to complain. bry was a good husband. he took care of me and got me the prettiest pair of earrings.

motherhood has been amazing. it is my favorite part of myself. truly i mean that.

nothing makes me happier than being a mom.

i have the three best littles and we enjoy one another. i hope they always will feel close to me and confide in me the way they do now.

being a mom has changed my viewpoint on so much.

i have learned more about myself since becoming a mom and i now understand how bittersweet r having the opportunity to be a mother is. watching them grow is the most beautiful e.xperience i've had. watching them experience pain is the most painful experience i've had.

they seriously hold my heart in their hands.

i love you sweet little ones.

mama

Right here

Sunday morning Emmet woke from a restless nights sleep and asked if we could go for a drive.
We all piled in the car, still in pjs and were on the road.
I personally was exhausted from being up every hour or two not exaggerating with the love bandit and welcomed the drive.
Of course magic happened. We talked and laughed and the kids kept saying "I love you " in silly voices to the baby and he'd laugh or talk back.
After the drive we all piled on the trampoline and did tricks and chased each other and took bets on if mom or dad would win the butt war. ( I won)
There was this moment where in the midst of the running around I saw my family and felt so joyful.
Like pure joyful radiant beams of light that this is my tribe and I belong to them and they belong to me and this is what it is all about.
This is all I ever wanted to have growing up and guess what I have it.
It has been a long, hard road to get here, but it is beyond worth it.
I've been happier than I've ever been with each passing year and sometimes I forget just how awful life was before I married Bryan and before I had children.
Isn't that amazing that goodness and light can really drown out the dark.
I'm so glad I listened to my heart and my prayers and forged an unpopular path.

An old song that I used to love came on my shuffle and I stopped and thought about the pain of that time and the lyrics I held so tightly too because "they" knew pain.. Now I can't go there most days.
Memories I've tucked away. And I want to keep a distance from them.

I will say no one knows you like your siblings.

I love my brothers. They try to tease me all the time but I've wised up and know this teasing is there endless love for me. So tease away brothers! And they will. That's what they do. Poor Grace has yet to realize all of this teasing is because they think she is the bomb diggity and it drives her up the wall.

I have been sick again. I'm having a flare up this week. It's hard. I'm not going to lie. It makes me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job as a mom because there is so much I can't do when I feel like this. I want my kids to remember the fun driving in the car, jumping on the tramp times. Not the times when Grace gets herself all worked up over me going back to the hospital. I must be what has triggered the worry wart in her. I'm the same way. Or the times I say all dramatically I'm dying to have my sweet emmet come over and say in the sweetest but saddest voice, "I'm going to miss you mom." In truth this scared me. I have made it a habit of saying things like that when I'm in pain , but I didn't think it was having an affect on him and he took that seriously. I always want to be here to raise my children and be there friend and advocate. They are so precious and free I admire each of them.

All of this to say I am right where I want to be.

He's Here

okay really he has been here for eight months 

and obviously i have more than a little catching up to do. 

i never really thought i would get this behind on my blog.

 i also remember saying to husband that last hot, uncomfortable month where i tried to pack in as much fun in as possible with g and e; that i was looking forward to actually sleeping again once the baby was here. i wasn't sleeping well at night between my insomnia and the boy using that time to have a dance party in my belly. i joked that at least i would get some sleep once our boy was here.

Well jokes on me because I am one sleep deprived mama.
He is the sweetest baby. He makes me smile constantly and I'm so in love with him. In fact we all are.
He has been the biggest blessing and I'm so glad the Lord saved him for this time in my life.

I will share more on this boy and my other two littles in future posts.
I'm not going to play catch up on everything, just the bigger life events that have happened .
Luckily I have other multiple forms of journaling and this little guy has definitely not been left out.
More to come soon.