Right here

Sunday morning Emmet woke from a restless nights sleep and asked if we could go for a drive.
We all piled in the car, still in pjs and were on the road.
I personally was exhausted from being up every hour or two not exaggerating with the love bandit and welcomed the drive.
Of course magic happened. We talked and laughed and the kids kept saying "I love you " in silly voices to the baby and he'd laugh or talk back.
After the drive we all piled on the trampoline and did tricks and chased each other and took bets on if mom or dad would win the butt war. ( I won)
There was this moment where in the midst of the running around I saw my family and felt so joyful.
Like pure joyful radiant beams of light that this is my tribe and I belong to them and they belong to me and this is what it is all about.
This is all I ever wanted to have growing up and guess what I have it.
It has been a long, hard road to get here, but it is beyond worth it.
I've been happier than I've ever been with each passing year and sometimes I forget just how awful life was before I married Bryan and before I had children.
Isn't that amazing that goodness and light can really drown out the dark.
I'm so glad I listened to my heart and my prayers and forged an unpopular path.

An old song that I used to love came on my shuffle and I stopped and thought about the pain of that time and the lyrics I held so tightly too because "they" knew pain.. Now I can't go there most days.
Memories I've tucked away. And I want to keep a distance from them.

I will say no one knows you like your siblings.

I love my brothers. They try to tease me all the time but I've wised up and know this teasing is there endless love for me. So tease away brothers! And they will. That's what they do. Poor Grace has yet to realize all of this teasing is because they think she is the bomb diggity and it drives her up the wall.

I have been sick again. I'm having a flare up this week. It's hard. I'm not going to lie. It makes me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job as a mom because there is so much I can't do when I feel like this. I want my kids to remember the fun driving in the car, jumping on the tramp times. Not the times when Grace gets herself all worked up over me going back to the hospital. I must be what has triggered the worry wart in her. I'm the same way. Or the times I say all dramatically I'm dying to have my sweet emmet come over and say in the sweetest but saddest voice, "I'm going to miss you mom." In truth this scared me. I have made it a habit of saying things like that when I'm in pain , but I didn't think it was having an affect on him and he took that seriously. I always want to be here to raise my children and be there friend and advocate. They are so precious and free I admire each of them.

All of this to say I am right where I want to be.

He's Here

okay really he has been here for eight months 

and obviously i have more than a little catching up to do. 

i never really thought i would get this behind on my blog.

 i also remember saying to husband that last hot, uncomfortable month where i tried to pack in as much fun in as possible with g and e; that i was looking forward to actually sleeping again once the baby was here. i wasn't sleeping well at night between my insomnia and the boy using that time to have a dance party in my belly. i joked that at least i would get some sleep once our boy was here.

Well jokes on me because I am one sleep deprived mama.
He is the sweetest baby. He makes me smile constantly and I'm so in love with him. In fact we all are.
He has been the biggest blessing and I'm so glad the Lord saved him for this time in my life.

I will share more on this boy and my other two littles in future posts.
I'm not going to play catch up on everything, just the bigger life events that have happened .
Luckily I have other multiple forms of journaling and this little guy has definitely not been left out.
More to come soon.