not all of the story

so i realized that in trying to make this little blog of mine a journal of our lives for my children to look back on the day to day things and see what life was like  that i mainly just wrote about the happy awesome stuff that took place, however i want them to see that life is full of challenges, so i decided to share a little of the tougher stuff that took place last year as well.

If this bores you or you don't want to read the downer stuff, move on. this post isn't fluffy at all.

2012 was a hard year for our little clan.
we pulled through though and made it into 2013 with stuffy noses and sore throats but together and thats what matters.

my pregnancy with you little e was not an easy one.
morning sickness never left and i spent many nights on the floor of your now bedroom hovered over the vent where i could feel the cool air come in with a wet rag on the back of my neck praying to God to make it stop. i hate vomiting and all that comes with it. anyhoo in july the dr induced me a week early (thank you dr.) and four hours later you were placed in my arms and all the sick was worth it to be holding you. e came with a special spirit and all i wanted to do was have you constantly in my arms. the birth experience went much better for baby and mom this time around. or so i thought.
i lost a lot of blood during delivery and was very dizzy my whole time at the hospital. they said it was from the loss of blood, but that they didn't want to do a transfusion they wanted me to build it back up on my own. so i was sent home a couple of days later, but friday was when  the fun began.

i got sick. first very nauseous then puking, diarhea ( see not a pretty post.), and massive dizziness began and terrible cramps. i tried to sleep it off at first with little e next to me in bed but as soon as i woke up it was back. bry asked our neighbor to help give me a blessing. after the blessing things got even worse. we realized we needed to go to the hospital and tried to find someone to watch poundcake, finally our dear friend and neighbor uncle jamie listened to his voicemail and came over.
at this point i had passed out in e's room and when i woke on the floor i heard bry struggling with a crying newborn and a pleading daughter and him calling out for me to please try to help him get ready to go. and i couldn't move i tried and i felt so heavy. and that terrified me. i had never been so sick that i felt like i physically couldn't be there for my children. not even with the pain of kidney stones. i still could hold g it just was unpleasant and painful.

finally all of us somehow made it to the car with jamie following and we headed to the hospital.
i passed out a couple of times on the way there and when we arrived i told bryan i couldn't walk in myself. some nice policemen helped me and i pooped on them. see how awesome i am.
seriously i'm awesome.

my blood pressure was very low and my heart beat was very high. they said my body had gone septic and admitted me in to stay. i was very out of it. i kept fading in and out.
i remember being asked questions and finding it so hard to answer them.

bry called his mom that night and she left immediatley and drove down to be with the kids the next night. bry spent the night at home alone with a newborn who had to adjust to a bottle and formula and g who was very confused by everything that was going on.

the next day i asked to have g come see me. more than anything i wanted her to know i was ok and that i would be back home. she came but would not talk. she sat on my bed with me and ate crackers and looked so unhappy. it was heart breaking. bry told me she would not eat anything at all and that she wouldn't sleep either. the whole morning she sat with my brother thor on our daybed holding his hair for comfort and watching cartoons. these crackers with me was all she would eat. the dr came in told me that they didn't know what was wrong. they were sending in another dr and i was staying another night.

oh man i can't describe how mad that made me. the dr left and bry left with g and i was alone.
i thought about my newborn baby who was only five days old and couldn't see me.
me. his mom. my baby was with someone else. spending his first days here with someone else. not me. big fat tars rolled down my cheeks. all i wanted was to be with my baby.
i felt sadness and anger in a way i never had before. there was nothing i could do but sit there and heal. then there was bry who i could tell was beyond exhausted was also scared and overwhelmed. then i thought of g. i cried harder then. my poor baby girl was handling too much at once.
not only did a new baby come home, but then her mother got sick and left. now she wouldn't eat or sleep. so i cried, had my pity party and prayed that by some miracle i'd leave the hospital soon.
late the next night i did get to leave. after much medication and treatments i was sent home to recover in my own bed.

i passed kidney stones on and off for over a month after, they weren't nearly as bad as the previous year though to be fair. e tried to breastfeed but had a hard time and in the end was formula fed from a bottle, not at all what i expected to happen. bry started work again at 60 to 70 hour weeks and i felt overwhelmed without his help while i was still sick. g was still struggling. she started eating again after i came home, but struggled to sleep at night for a good two months. i was so grateful that my mother in law had brought tons of toys for her to play with and be distracted by the ugliness and that she could find joy in toddling again. so  so grateful to her for that.

i know that it could have been a lot worse for me. i realized that soon after. i am so lucky that it wasn't worse. i am so happy to be home with my kids each day and see them laugh, cry and grow.

there were other sturggles as well, like e's night terrors that we thought were seizures, many medical bills that are still pouring in, an arthritic knee for me and bry hunting for a new job after a big lay off at his current company. but we are here. we love eachother and helped each other pull through.
my brother thor was a huge source of help and comfort and i appreciate him so much for always helping us in anyway he can. he was my rock many times and i hope g and e can have a relationship like ours.

so there it is kids.
much love your way.